Weekends at Bellevue by Julie Holland
Author:Julie Holland
Language: eng
Format: mobi, azw3, epub
ISBN: 9780553906974
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2009-09-22T10:00:00+00:00
You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome
When You Go
I take three months off for maternity leave, and we spend part of the summer on Cape Cod. When I return to the city, I stop by Daniel’s apartment, one block from my own, to show off my new baby. When she starts fussing and I begin to nurse her, I am surprised by Daniel’s blush as he turns away. Any dirty jokes we may have shared over the years as I pretended to be one of the guys are now completely off-limits. I have become a mother in his eyes, and if there’s one thing I know about Daniel, he reveres his mother.
I start back up at work in September, delighted to see how Lucy’s cancer has responded to a new medication called Herceptin. It puts her into a remission of sorts, and so she continues to come to work nearly every day. I get the feeling that she is pulling back from our friendship, though, and I take her cue. As the months go by, I work my weekends, see her briefly on Monday mornings, and pull back as well. With a new baby at home, it’s easy to lose touch. Too easy. And too convenient an excuse not to do something that is painful for me.
Mary and I move into a holding pattern of our own. My life is more settled now. Jeremy and I have eased into our roles as parents, and I am no longer taunting the patients and putting my safety in jeopardy. We’ve mined my childhood and CPEP behavior for three years, and the sessions are starting to seem like a coda to a song, repeating and fading.
Termination is a big deal with therapists; typically, there are months spent discussing how the patient feels about stopping the sessions. Abandonment issues always crop up in these situations. I am actually more worried about how Mary will take my leaving, and much less worried about how I will do without her. I attempt to terminate much more quickly than usual, trying to wrap things up in one session.
“I was watching this movie, and there was a little girl trying to learn how to ride a bicycle. The father teaching her was running alongside her, helping to steady her, and once the girl had enough speed and balance on the bike, he let go. As the girl wobbled away, I started to get a little teary.” I stop for effect here. “I realized I was like that girl, and you were the grown-up helping me learn how to ride my bike. Well, now I think I can do it on my own. I think I can take it from here.”
Mary looks at me skeptically. At least I think it’s skeptically. “What are you getting at, Julie?”
“I think I’m ready to end our therapy,” I state, with as much assuredness as I can muster. If she detects any hesitance, she’ll pounce on it, and we’ll have to discuss this ad infinitum.
“I think you may be ready too,” she replies.
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